Things with faces

Most of these I have stolen from the interweb, and some I have taken myself. Annoyingly I have seen loads since I first had this idea, but have no camera. Still, these make me smile. I know the first one doesn't technically count, but I couldn't resist.

I am.

These are some things I have realised about myself. Some of them are good, some bad. Most are both, or neither, because nothing is ever that clear-cut.

Lazy

I will eventually get round to changing this.

Eager to love

Love is marvellous; there should be more of it.

Forgetful

I forget many things, which doesn’t usually bother me, as you can’t get upset about forgetting something if you don’t know you’ve forgotten it, but I have been known to forget useful things. Like February. Or my name.

A work in progress

I am only a snapshot of a moment in time. I am always changing, and, hopefully, growing and improving.

Insatiable

I can never hug enough, learn enough, love enough, listen to enough music, or eat enough popcorn. This only counts with salted popcorn.

Not stupid

Although I do stupid things. Like walk into doorways, bollards, tables and people. So clearly I’m not that bright either.

Always looking for a reason to laugh

And let’s face it, there is plenty in this life to make us smile. Like people walking into doorways.

Beautiful

I may not always think so, but statistically speaking there is bound to always be one person who does.

Honest

Sometimes brutally so. I’m too lazy to lie.

Obsessed with new things

Not so much of the corporeal variety, although I do have a wanton lust for shiny pretties. Mostly I’m obsessed with learning new things, and trying new things, and meeting new people (and their things?).

In which we discover new and exciting ways to torment the postman

My latest hobby is seeing what weird and unusual items I can send through the post. Mostly without any form of wrapping and to the constant bemusement of my friends.

So far I've achieved:

1 slice of toast. Well wrapped and arrived successfully. Not still edible.

2 rubber ducks, with address labels tied around their necks. Sent to separate recipients and both arrived, although one upset the postman.

2 flip flops. Not actually a matching pair. I'm now left with the two unmatching other halves. This was not well thought through.

A wooden fish. This cost as much to post as to buy.

A banana. Labelled 'Ninja Banana' with address and stamps placed directly onto the skin. Arrived repackaged in a box. Frankly I'm surprised they delivered it at all!

Things that will certainly occur

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year's Eve and have so far enjoyed 2011.

I'm never quite sure if I think New Year’s Resolutions are a good idea or not. Regardless, I make several every year. Here's this year's list, all of which I am definitely going to keep!

Be more creative. I want to make at least one thing every week.

Write more letters. Or postcards. Or telegrams. Or whatever! (And send them.)

Whinge less. Be more grateful.

Give up Facebook for 1 month. Hopefully this will create enough free time for me to achieve some of the other resolutions.

Learn to drive.

Steal a penguin. And dress him up in tinsel next Christmas. It's definitely going to be awesome.

Blog more regularly. I have arbitrarily chosen Mondays and Fridays for this. Watch this space. Or not. It's up to you.

Some Things Which Make Me Happy

Old buildings

Getting mail


Climbing trees

Ruined castles

Sending fun things through the post

Instant Polaroid photos

Clouds

Poppies

London

I realised the other week that my favourite part of traveling to London is the bit where I leave it, go home and have a long shower. So here are the reasons I hate London. Mostly referring to the underground

1. It stinks
2. I get covered in yuck and don’t feel clean for days, regardless of how many times I wash.
3. It gives me black bogeys
4. There are lots of people
5. People are cunts
6. Lots of people = angry me
7. Small, enclosed spaces = horrible
8. Small spaces + lots of people = angry, stabby me
9. I don’t like being angry, it saddens me
10. The sky is grey, the buildings are grey, and the floor is grey. It makes me feel like I’m trapped in the world’s shittest snow-globe
11. People are rude.
12. People are suspicious and unfriendly
13. If you smile at someone they look at you like you just pissed on their dog
14. 60s and 70s architecture. Ick
15. It takes bloody ages to get anywhere, and most of the journey involves having your face in someone’s sweaty armpit
16. It’s generally raining, which is never a good thing

In which Aragorn is lovely

Ophelia, Aurelia-Mae and a few other amazing lovely people did a sponsored walk for charity in which 26 miles were walked across, complete with swearing, grumbling, and the occasional inability to form a coherent sentence altogether.

There was only one thing that kept us going all those long and weary miles. It wasn't the charity we were walking in aid of. It wasn't the joy of pushing our bodies to the limit. It wasn't the glory of completing the walk and being handed a shiny medal whilst onlookers applauded and cheered. It wasn't even the copious amounts of strong liquor we would be consuming as soon as we reached the pub. It was Aragorn.

Om nom.

The next day, three of us found ourselves sprawled in a living room, only moving to hobble slowly and painfully to the bathroom. We would not move. We even decided against hobbling the short distance to the nearest shop to buy food for our grumbling bellies, making do with Toblerone and Oreos to tide us over until it was time order pizza. But then tragedy struck.

We couldn’t find the extended edition box set of the Lord of the Rings. I mean seriously, what the fudge? Eventually, after turning the entire house upside down and shrieking in panic at the prospect of an Aragornless evening, we discussed the matter and decided there was only one solution. We had to buy another copy.

So off we went, muscles aching and blisters burning, into the town to find our beloved Ranger. Eventually, we found it, and made the painful journey back up the painful hill. I have only two words. Worth it.

After sitting back with pizza and our favourite films, we were reminded of the drooltasticness (that’s a real word, honest) of Elesar, the grace of Legolas and the sadness of Boromir’s tale. There was laughter, there were tears, but most of all there were squees over Aragorn. Let’s face it; he’s pretty hot for an 86 year old.

We can now confirm on high authority that Aragorn, son of Arathorn, is lovely when he is:
- Gesticulating wildly
- All wet and covered in Khthulu goo
- Sleeping
- Reclining
- Hiding
- Anguished
- Carrying hobbits
- Covered in snow
- Nursing a pint
- Smoking a pipe
- Threatening Boromir with his eyes
- Sharpening his sword
- Smacking Gimli
- Crying
- Singing sad songs
- Resolute and angry
- Beheading Uruk’Hai
- Listening to rocks

Hail Aragorn, the sexiest beast in Middle Earth

An ode to loneliness

It was a dark and stormy night. A sense of foreboding hung heavy in the air, like a souffle that wouldn't rise. The goldfish shifted restlessly in their bowl. In the distance, a butterfly screamed....

* * * * *

Today was student loan day, and the first day back at uni after the Easter holidays, so the pub where I work was understandably busy tonight. Despite the blatant predictability of this, the management had rota'd on only a skeleton staff. (Sadly not actual skeletons for staff - that would have made the night so much more interesting!) For two hours, O was on his own in the kitchen, so to cheer him up (OK, to entertain myself) I sang as many songs as I could possibly think of about being alone or lonely. He seemed to appreciate it.

All by myself, written by Eric Carmen

On my own from Les Miserables

Lonely by Akon (or, of course, the Slugs from Flushed Away!)

The second verse of A Case of You by Joni Mitchell (which is one of my favourite songs ever)

You are not alone by Michael Jackson

You're not alone by Olive, obviously, since I am old enough to remember the original and like it much better than Tinchy Stryder's version.

Alone by Heart

Blue Moon, originally written by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart in 1934

More awesome ads

I loved the Meerkat adverts to start with, I really did, but there is only so many random people going "Simples" at completely irrelevant moments I can take. So now I don't like them.

Much as this saddens me, I'm cheered by the new Warburtons adverts, which are pure genius on a stick.

This one even made me weep a bit.

Another company who are good at making delectable adverts, if not produce, are Marmite. I adore the political slant they have put on their latest adverts, with messages from the Love and Hate parties.

Sadly, the campaign seems to be biased towards the Love party, which is ridiculous considering how right the Hate party is.

When I am queen there with be designated Marmite Eating Areas.

In which we pay homage to commercialism

I spent the weekend staying with people who have TV, and now have the exceptionally annoying jingle from the Go Compare adverts stuck in my head. You know the ones with the dancing, singing fat man with the crinkly mustache who you just want to smack?? It's driving me (and everyone I work with) absolutely mental, and has lead to a lot of discussion about good/bad advertising. Generally I try to avoid watching adverts (something which has got remarkably easier since we stopped having a TV in our house) but every now and then someone produces something that is just pure genius. Thus, I present to you (in no particular order):

The Really Really Awesome Adverts List!


Its an Mini Adventure! They were several of these a few years back and they were all awesome, but my favourite was the one with the zombies!

The skating priests from the Stella Artois adverts!

The Barclays adverts with Samuel L Jackson. If a dollar was a chicken would a chicken be evil?

That Skoda ad where they bake the car.

Ooh, They're floaty light!

The T-Mobile flash mob adverts from last year!

I want to go to this party!

It's never Christmas until you see the Coca Cola advert!

And finally, my current favourite, Comparethemeerkat.com. This is a piece of advertising brilliance! As well as several lovely ads, there's a web page, a Facebook page, Twitter and an iPhone app! Simples!

In which we overthink childhood dreams

My friends have been talking about Bernard's Watch, and how useful/much fun it would be to have one. I always wanted one of those, as, I suspect, has every other person who's ever thought about it. Why wouldn't you? The practical applications are almost limitless. Though I'm a little worried about the ageing effects it could potentially have. I mean, would you end up aging faster than everyone else? If you only used it for an hour a day, you'd only gain 1 extra year for every 24, but what if you accidentally fell asleep with it on? For say, 8 hours at a time? That's an extra year for every 3 years every one else lived. So by the time you should be 30, you'd actually be 40!

Have I thought about this too much??

Some thoughts on how to minimise the badness

I have a list of Important Rules For Life:

1. Do not set yourself on fire¹
2. Don't say anything
3. Be relentlessly cheerful
4. Ghost is not a career choice
5. Never cook sausages up a tree²
6. You can never have too many stamps
7. Never anger copyright lawyers¹
8. Keep your pockets free of margarine³
9. Never build a super collider
10. Do not use your pillow as a pin cushion¹
11. Stay away from Raki
12. Do not attempt embroidery in the bath
13. Do not agree to anything until you've been awake for at least 10 minutes<sup>4



_{1</sup>As tested by myself. ⁴Repeatedly.
²As tested by some people I know.
³Advice given to me by my form tutor when I left school.}

In which we learn that I should never rent horror movies.

I was woken this morning by a phone call from debt collectors. Fortunately, it's pay day, so I was able to give them the £27 fine I had run up on my Blockbuster account (and then forgotten about) but it was still not a pleasant way to start the day. While I understand they are entitled to their money, I do wonder if it's worth all the custom they must lose by taking such a heavy handed approach. Many of the friends I have mentioned this to say they have also had this happen to them (mostly for much smaller amounts) and most have not used Blockbuster since. Personally, I reckon in future it would be cheaper and easier just to buy the DVDs.

In other news, this has got to be one of the freakiest things I've ever found on the web.

Too Many Thoughts

I have too many thoughts. Ideas, musings, whimsies, and idle speculations will float or burst into my mind at all hours of the day. Sometimes these thoughts will lead, ultimately, to something productive, or at least interesting; a creative project, a discussion with my friends (or anyone else who will listen) or the purchase of a book which promises to answer all my questions! Often I will rush to write down a particularly splendid thought, usually abandoning a much more useful task in the process. Mostly though, these thoughts just swirl around and around in my head, jostling for my attention and preventing me from actually achieving anything.

So, I clearly need less thoughts. Or at least somewhere to direct them to, to keep them out of my way. Thus I have decided to write a blog. (The particularly sharp among you may have already noticed this.) Now, I have no delusions that this blog will ever become especially popular or anything fancy like that. (I know it's mandatory to say that, so as not to appear as a conceited ass, and of course it would be lovely if I became a internationally famous blogger extraordinaire, but really, it's not looking hopeful!) I'm writing this blog for me, about things that I find interesting, curious or worthy of attention. If you happen to find them interesting too, then you're welcome to tag along. But honestly, if I were you, I'd run screaming. Now. Go on, it'll only end badly if you don't.....